The starting line beckoned. Adoring fans shouted nearby. Little fingers grasped my hair, covered in something sticky for improved grip. 

Wait, is that strawberry jelly? When did we get strawberry jelly?

Stop. 

Focus. 

Get your head in the game.

Let’s do this.

“GO!” shouted the sticky-fingered gremlin on my back.

“Don’t drop my baby!” Screamed my wife, adoringly.

And with a sudden burst of energy, I launched down the hallway in my best gallop. Another heat of the 10-meter dad had begun.

*     *    * 

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m probably the best competitor in our house for dad sports. It’s taken years of practice and a strict diet plan, but the payoff is real. I’m now a finely-tuned dad machine.

So what are dad sports? Academics have pondered their origins for years. Some say they go back to ancient times. Simply put, they are a set activities in that beautiful place where dad reflexes are at their peak and medical bills have not yet begun.

There’s the classic 10-meter dad, which involves running down the hall with a youngling on your shoulders, WHILE calculating trigonometry and ceiling clearance. It’s obviously not a sport for amateurs. Those who are bad at math quickly learn two things: children make surprisingly good battering rams, and ceiling lights are expensive. Personally, I aced Pre-Calc the fourth time I took it so I have no idea where those dents in the door jamb came from. 

Next is the kid toss. Even if you don’t have kids, you’re probably familiar with this simple sport. You just throw a kid in the air. Points are based on altitude and successful recovery. Indoor scoring also includes how close you can get to the ceiling without hitting it. What’s NOT well known is the history behind the sport. The kid toss was actually developed as a very successful tactic for breaking sieges.

If you’re not familiar with sieges, they’re a pretty bad time. Basically, you want into someone’s castle but they don’t want to let you in. You argue about it, and then you either try to break in or try to wait them out. Neither option is very good. Well, somewhere along the way armies invented the kid toss as a way of ending things more quickly. At night, a few soldiers would sneak up to the castle and throw some (padded) children over the walls. After several days, there would be no snacks left in the castle, and everything would be unbearably sticky (even by medieval standards). At that point, the people inside couldn't surrender fast enough. #TheMoreYouKnow

A less known sport is the sleep challenge. This one is less intensive but requires extreme discipline. After all, a baby crying in the next room is enough to wake almost anyone. However, years of highly focused sleep practice have given me serious skills. Many nights I can just sleep right through it. My wife and I disagree slightly on whether this is just the sign of a finely-tuned warrior body or if I've actually reached a new stage in human evolution. (Wife's note: It is neither one! WE HAVE TALKED ABOUT THIS SO MANY TIMES.) Fortunately, we've worked out a system where she gently kicks me awake when it's my turn to get up for the baby.

But what does it take to get these skills? The thing about training for dad sports is that it's not easy. Children have a surprising ability to hurt full-grown adults. Some dads approach this through fitness and exercise so they're more agile and can dodge better. My strategy is more focused on beer and cheeseburgers so that I have impact-absorbing crumple zones. 

It's a sacrifice to be sure, but that's what dad sports are all about.

Someday my children will look at pictures of a younger, fitter me and say "Wait, that's YOU?" Look, kids, peak performance has its price. But you’re worth it. Then I’ll kiss them on those weird, light-shaped dents in their heads that showed up one day for no reason.

About Adam Bunker
Adam lives in Sheridan, Wyoming, with his kids and wife, who is probably the most patient spouse in the world. The best parts of his day involve teaching impractical skills to a junior high student and getting smacked around by a toddler. He writes "A Good Day to Dad" bimonthly for The Sheridan Press, exclusively featured here on My Bighorns. 

About The Sheridan Press
The Sheridan Press has served Sheridan County, Wyoming, since 1887. The award-winning independent newspaper offers print and online news delivery platforms to the thriving community, which boasts a college; a lively arts, culture, and music scene; a bustling downtown; and many other amenities, including unlimited outdoor recreational opportunities. To subscribe to The Sheridan Press, click here.